Oh to be a two year old. Little Miss Elliana is the epitome of all two year olds, wearing her two year old emotions on her sleeve. She is fierce, fearless, strong willed, and free spirited. All of which will be great traits as she reaches adulthood. But as for now, make it hard being a two year old.
Recently, my little miss has been very emotional, crying about spilled milk (literally), crying because she ate the last goldfish in her bowl, crying because the wind is blowing her hair (she’s got a little diva in her too). Not only is she crying, but crying, hitting and biting. She’ll hit her brother so hard with a toy or run as fast as she can and knock her baby sister over and then bite her head. Seriously, I can’t keep up. And most times I don’t even see it coming.
Now my husband would say- “Tessa, don’t air our dirty laundry.” But this is just the opposite of that. It is real raw parenting. Yes my girl is hard at times. Yes, I was having a hard time coping with it. But that was all put into perspective one day when she was able to express herself. I had been trying to teach her right from wrong and how to appropriately deal with her emotions. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then she taught me an important lesson with just 5 words-
“No one listening to me.”
Right then and there it clicked. My baby girl is JUST 2 years old and I am expecting her to rationalize her emotions and respond appropriately. I think these expectations come from her having an older brother and a tiny baby sister. She’s big. Right?
Wrong! Two year olds are just learning about their emotions and how to express them. They are also learning how to feeling empathy for others. According to Rebecca Chicot PhD from essentialparent.com, toddlers learn from their parents and need a loving, caring, secure relationship with a parent to help them strive emotionally. I’m not saying we didn’t have this. What I am saying is that it is way too easy too get caught up in daily life and the demands of three kids, or any number of kids for that matter. I need to remember to take a step back, take a breath, and enjoy each of my children in their own special way.
Although Elliana is a chatter box, expressing her feelings in words has not been something she has been able to do until very recently (26.5 months). I wasn’t totally off by expecting her to discuss and rationalize her emotions. Discussing them is a big part of learning how to appropriately express them. What I was doing wrong was
- Expecting her to be rational in the moment
- Expecting her to be able to control her intense emotions
- Not stopping to listen to her
I think that number three is the most noteworthy of my three mistakes. She told me that- “No one listening to me.”
Since my epiphany, I have been much better at asking her what is wrong and really trying to listen to her and understand what she is saying. I want her to feel secure in our relationship and my dedication to her needs. She just wants to be heard and acknowledged. Although this can be hard as she is about to reach full meltdown mode, I think it is so important for me to compose myself, gracefully wait with patience, and then talk to her about how she feels. This may look differently depending on the situation. She is still held accountable, so she may cool down in my arms or in her crib if she needs a little more time a lone. I do not yell at her, rather I hug her and hold her until she is ready to talk or quietly take her to her crib and let her know I will get her when she is ready. When she calms down, we spend some quality time with each other talking about how she feels and what she should do next time. We practice and usually leave with smiles on our faces. I received many – ” Mommy, I love you.” comments as we head back to what we were doing.
Here are three of the most important things I have done to become a better listener.
- When she is upset, I stay calm, no yelling
- No more time-outs, only taking a break- I keep it positive
- We talk when she’s ready, not during a meltdown
Beyond the teachable moments, I think my little miss was also telling me – Mom, it’s hard to be two; it’s hard to be the middle child. I need you. -Elliana girl, you’ve got me whole heartedly. I’m listening. I love you beyond all measures and I am grateful that you helped me find my patience and reminded me that a little bit of grace goes a long way.
