The Rainbow After the Storm

Welcome to the last post in our Women’s Health and Motherhood blog series.

This is my story.

I share it with you to let you know, if you are 1 in 4, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I also share it to start a dialogue and open up a safe space for women who have been there or women who want to support their friends and family.

It’s not easy, it’s not fun, but it’s real. It is my story.

Miscarriage…. Not the word any mother wants to hear or think about. In reality, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I have been pregnant six times, have had two miscarriages, three children and one on the way. I am a walking statistic.

👼🏼👦🏼👧🏼👧🏼👼🏼🤰🏼

Nick and I always knew we wanted a big family!The idea of lots of laughter, noise and chaos just seemed like the perfect family life! Let me tell you, all though it’s busy and SO LOUD, we were right on.

As we started our family we were so excited; although, truly, we didn’t know what to expect. I had just started tracking my cycle a few months prior, but was easily able to see a pattern. We were able to conceive right away. How exciting!

Since I had been tracking my cycle so closely, I knew I was pregnant right away! By 4 weeks pregnant I had a positive pregnancy test and was beaming at the thought of starting our family! Our little June Bug, as we called her, was so loved. Of course we shared the news with my mom right away by giving her a birthday invitation to our baby’s birth, June 9th. It was perfect!

Nick and I couldn’t have been happier, until…. it happened. Not quite two weeks later, I started to feel really crampy and had some spotting. Within a day it turned into full on bleeding. We raced up to the clinic only to find out that my pregnancy was not viable.

Crushed… Devastated… Destroyed

At first, I didn’t even know how to feel. I was so deflated, but at the same time couldn’t even feel at all. That movie reel that you start to play once you become pregnant, had been erased. All the ideas, the planning, the wishing and hoping, all gone. Instantly.

I chose to have the miscarriage naturally. So, I went home and waited. It was painful, physically and mentally. It was exhausting. It was heart wrenching. But there was nothing I could do about it. I ate Oreos (shocking, right?) and watched a lot of Friends on Netflix. The sadness had consumed me.

After things had slowed down, I had to go back I to the clinic for some tests. My HCG (pregnancy hormones) had only risen to 100 with this pregnancy. At 6ish weeks, that’s pretty low. June Bug was not viable from the beginning. It was nothing I did or didn’t do. It took my body less that 7 days to physically be completely back to normal. But the feeling of loss and sadness lingered.

As Nick and I mourned our loss, we turned to our faith to help guide us through this time. We knew we wanted to try to have a baby as soon as we could and prayed that God would bless us with a child when the time was right.

Well, the time was right was 3 weeks later. Although, I was still sad from our loss, the idea of this new life, new chance, new beginning was so exciting. The excitement was accompanied by a myriad of anxious emotions. I was so guarded.

Pregnancy after loss is extremely hard. I was extra cautious about everything I did or didn’t do. Every time I went to the bathroom I prayed for no spotting. Every muscle spasm or round ligament stretch sent me through the roof with anxiety. But hearing that sweet heartbeat and seeing that first ultrasound was bliss.

After a long pregnancy, my sweet baby boy was born in July. He is such a blessing. Through faith and love we know that without loosing June Bug, we would have never met our son. Boston is truly our precious rainbow after a storm.

After Boston, I had two pregnancies that blessed us with our sweet girls. Elliana’s pregnancy, let’s just say, is a blog post on its own. (I’ll have to share that sometime.) Grace’s pregnancy was a breeze compared to the others. Maybe that’s why I was so excited to have a fourth!

Speaking of a fourth, that brings us to present day. The story starts back in November, 2019.

After having 3 kids in 40 months, I knew I needed a break before we had our last baby. This past November, we decided it was time to try to have our last baby. Sure enough, I got pregnant right away. It felt right. Everything was going according to plan. I knew this was my last pregnancy. I wanted it to be my best. I planned to workout and be as healthy as possible. I wanted to cherish every moment. It seemed perfect.

Every week went by and it just seemed more and more perfect. Until… it wasn’t. At 9 weeks pregnant exactly, I started spotting. My heart dropped. I knew instantly. I was miscarrying. But I didn’t let my self 100% believe it right away. We rushed to the emergency room. The experience was horrible.

We spent an hour and a half waiting in the waiting room filled with police officers and individuals who had been involved in a shooting. I sat there knowing my fate, but praying I was wrong. When we were finally called back we went to the ultrasound room and waited some more.

The technician did the ultrasound, but was not able to comment on what he saw. But I knew, I knew there was no heart beat. I saw a baby. No movement. No life. My heart was broken.

We went back to our little room and had to wait for the doctor to come to confirm what we already knew. I cried. I sobbed. Nick held me.

Again, I chose to go home and continue with the miscarriage naturally, I wouldn’t have it any other way. This time the process was very different. I was much farther along, baby Willow was a viable pregnancy, until she wasn’t, and I have three kids in the mix as well.

I spent a few days in bed taking time for myself allowing my body to do what it needed. I was sad, and I allowed myself to take time for me. It was a painful process both physically and emotionally. Again, it took about a week for the physical aspects to subside, but I wasn’t prepared for all of the emotional ups and downs.

Unlike my previous miscarriage, I was unable to spend more than a few days taking it easy and focusing on life, loss and new hope. With three kids wanting and needing their mom, it was back to “work” after a few days. In some ways, it was nice to have a little normalcy, but in other ways it was hard to not fully be able to mourn and process the loss of baby Willow. Again I turned to my faith for strength and guidance.

With this pregnancy my HGC hormone levels were so much higher than before, coming in at 12k+. Within the normal range for a healthy 8-9 week pregnancy. Although my miscarriage was complete after about 7 days, my body still was full of pregnancy hormones. I was tested weekly to make sure the hormone level was dropping appropriately on its own. It took 6 long weeks before my body was finally mine again. The whole process was very morbid. At this point, I was happy to see my hormone level dropping and my body getting back to normal. Such a complete switch of emotions from just a few weeks prior. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster.

Nick and I had talked so much about whether or not to try for a fourth. We felt torn but in the end decided to put it all into God’s hands. We weren’t going to try or prevent a pregnancy from happening.

As you know, here I sit, 15 weeks pregnant! A blessing. Although I knew this baby was given to us through God’s grace, both Nick and I were cautiously optimistic.

I found out I was pregnant just a week or so before Wisconsin was put into safer at home orders due to the Covid19 pandemic. The emotions of a pregnancy after loss combined with the uncertainty of a pandemic was very hard on me. How would I bring this baby into the world during such an uncertain time? What effects could this all have on me as well as my baby? How do I keep my whole family safe? It was an emotional time. Not only worrying about the pandemic, but also worrying about my every body ache, checking for spotting, and the worst part not being able to go into the clinic to hear my sweet baby’s heartbeat. (I still haven’t heard it)

I had always dreamt that my fourth pregnancy would be the best one yet! That I would enjoy and savor every moment. I had hoped it would be my healthiest pregnancy. Although, I still strive for this, my expectations have changed. I just want to make it a safe and happy experience for me, my family and new baby!

Whether this post you touches you personally or helps you to understand what your sister, friend, or coworker is going through, I hope it sheds some light on the complexity of loss and life after loss. We never forget, but we do live on.

Thank you for reading my journey. I hope that I someway it has given you hope or courage to reach out when you need or to help others.