Anxious Mother, Calm Child. My Journey to, and Through Motherhood with Anxiety.

Welcome to post four of our Women’s Health and Motherhood series. Today, I have the pleasure of introducing my amazing friend Bethany. Her perspective on life is a breath of fresh air. She exudes positivity and kindness. Bethany’s story shares great insight into motherhood and anxiety. Give her a follow on Instagram for weekly tips and information on dealing with anxiety.

My dream job has been the same since I was three. People would ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and I’d always say, “A country singer, and a mommy.” Luckily for me, one of those dreams came true.

My road to motherhood was definitely winding. My husband and I weren’t really planning on getting pregnant, but we also weren’t preventing it. We had been married about three years when we decided if God was ready to give us a baby, we were ready to have one. So we stopped preventing and went about with our lives. Two years passed with no baby, and the idea of being parents had pretty much faded to a distant thought. I was graduating college. My husband had been offered a new job, and we were about to make our first big move as a couple. We would be moving from Phoenix, Arizona to a tiny little town in Colorado. Things moved at lightning speed during that time. I graduated, packed our condo, and moved to a new state all within a few weeks. We were happy and peaceful, settling into our new lives, not a thought in the world about being a mom and dad.

I was planning for my first teaching job the following year, decorating our new house, and finally in a really good place mentally and emotionally. My mother had passed a few years earlier and the anxiety I had suffered from my entire life was spinning out of control before we left Arizona. I knew I needed a new start, a new perspective, and I needed to figure out what triggered my anxiety, and how I could cope with it when times got dark. Moving to Meeker seemed to be the cure I was so desperately looking for. That distance, the quiet little mountain life, my husband being home more and our relationship flourishing, helped me to heal so much of the damage I had been creating internally in the past few years. I think it was then that God saw my heart, saw my marriage, and decided that Gabriel and I were finally ready for the responsibility of parenthood.

We had moved to Colorado at the beginning of February 2017, and on April 1st I found out I was pregnant. And guess what else, when I did finally realize something was off, and took that test, I was already eight weeks pregnant! That’s right, I got pregnant with Thatcher within the first two weeks of living in Colorado. It was a gift, a sign, it was everything I had ever wanted in life, and I was terrified.

My pregnancy was hard. Not hard because of complications, aside from a first trimester full of vomit and intense crying fits, I had a very healthy and normal pregnancy. It was hard because of my anxiety. My mother was gone, and my older sister didn’t have children, so I felt alone. My mother-in-law became my closest confidant during those times, but I still struggled to share with her because she didn’t really understand anxiety. It was all new, unknown and scary. Every little pain, twinge or kick terrified me. I was constantly googling things, only to come across thousands of horror stories that would only further freak me out! Once he started moving and kicking it got even scarier. There would be random days where he barely moved at all, and I would be panicked, convincing myself I’d lost him.

Through all of that, I’m actually proud of how I handled myself. It was as if for once, my anxiety was a good thing. I had read so many things about how stress and anxiety could be bad for your pregnancy, which made me so anxious that I would inadvertently harm Thatcher by being anxious, that I forced myself to not be anxious. Crazy right? Well welcome to the brain of a very neurotic, anxious human being! I had one panic attack my whole pregnancy. I can’t even remember why, but I vividly remember myself starting to hyperventilate and cry. I was absolutely not going to let that distress my unborn baby. I ran to the shower, turned on some cool water, sat down, and started to do my deep breathing exercises. I calmed down pretty quickly, but spent a good hour afterward worrying and obsessing over the thought that I may have hurt Thatcher. My husband was eventually able to calm me down, and I went about my day. That was the only panic attack I had the whole time, and I was able to stop it in its tracks, a first for me.

Nine months later, I gave birth (Through a completely unplanned c-section, which is a whole other story!) to the most perfect, most beautiful little human I have ever laid my eyes on. Thatcher John had made it earthside, and I thanked God a million times over for the blessing of my son.

Thatcher is now two and a half, and he has continued to be my greatest source of purpose and happiness. He is vibrant, calm, whip-smart, funny, kind, loving, and just everything I could have ever wished for in a child. But just because I now have a son, a stable home, a happy family, does not mean that my anxiety flew away on the wind. I struggle with anxiety almost daily. It is, and will forever be, a part of me. But, Thatcher has helped me to realize that anxiety is a part of me, a small quirk in my personality, something that makes me different. Anxiety does not now, and will never, define me.

People have asked me in the past, do you think having anxiety makes you a better or a worse mother? Do you feel guilty about the days you are just totally freaking out and can’t give Thatcher your full attention? Do you think motherhood would be easier if you didn’t have this anxiety weight on your shoulders? And my answer to all of that is, I have absolutely no idea! I am what I am, who I am, and that isn’t ever going to change. I’ll never know what it’s like to not have anxiety, because I have anxiety! It’s not something I can just wish away, and no matter how many people sell you on it, if you truly have clinical anxiety, it’s not going to go away if you drink dandelion tea or eat only beets or take fish oil, or any of the other crazy things I’ve heard people swear by as the “cure” for anxiety. Do you want to know what will cure your mind from the shackles you feel from your anxiety? Accepting that it’s not going anywhere, and learning to live and function even with your struggles.

I am a great mom. I’m proud of it, and I have no shame in saying it out loud that I am a very, very good mother and I have an exceptionally good child. My anxiety has nothing to do with it. We all have our faults, our struggles, and our issues. Becoming a parent doesn’t eradicate those past scars or deep seeded pains. All any of us can do in life is try our best, and when we get derailed or make a mistake, we get up and we try again. I know that if some day Thatcher starts to show those tell-tale signs of anxiety, mama will be there. With all the advice and life experiences I’ve had, and all the support I can possibly give.

So what is it like as a mom with anxiety? What is it like as a mother to only one son? What is it like to be me? It’s everything I could have ever wished for. It’s a blessing. It’s what gets me up every morning, and what eases my thoughts every night when my head hits the pillow. Motherhood is a vast spectrum of ideas, experiences,opinions, and ideals. Motherhood can’t be put into a box, there isn’t any how-to manual or any “right” way to do it. Motherhood is simply the act of giving your all to someone because they complete you.

My motherhood journey is just beginning. Maybe I’ll have more kids, maybe Thatcher will be my one and only, but whatever happens, my motherhood story still has many pages to be written, many lessons to be learned, and many, many anxiety attacks to be quelled. Through all these chapters, and all these trials, I know in my heart of hearts that this gift I have been given as a mother is not one to take lightly. I know I will struggle at times, I know there will still be days where I’m questioning if I’m a good mom, or if I can handle it all. But then I will look at Thatcher. I will see that little face, that calm little human who seems to just know that everything is always going to work out. He trusts me, he has no need to be anxious, because he knows without a doubt in his little mind that mama is going to take care of him. And in those moments I will be reminded, I am the calm to his storm. The thing I fear so much in myself, I am his cure for. And man, if that doesn’t bring me comfort and peace, I don’t know what will.