Hey guys! I am so excited to introduce Megan as my first guest blogger in our women’s health and motherhood blog series. Megan’s journey has several twists and turns, but ends up leading her to discover her true self, beauty, and inner peace. Follow her on Instagram to keep up with her story.
Motherhood. A word that completely surrounds me, and yet it’s a title that feels completely unreachable. Motherhood, the state of being a mother, but what does that mean?
As a child, I am navigating the ups and downs of an adult relationship with my own mother, who is so completely different than myself. I know the struggles she’s been through to conceive a child of her own. Everyday I’m working to get to know this woman who has raised me and sacrificed for me, facing things I never could have comprehended until I became an adult who is struggling to conceive a child of her own.
As a nanny, I work with mothers who are busy struggling through the commitments of parenthood and careers. I strive to go above and beyond in my job so that they are able to be the best mothers they can for their children. Whether it’s cleaning or assisting with meal prep, essentially doing all the dirty work so they can come home and enjoy quality time with their children in the few hours they get with them.
As a friend, I am surrounded by mothers in different stages of life. Mothers to newborns who are exhausted and looking for support. Mothers to toddlers who are overwhelmed at keeping up with the emotional rollercoaster that these little ones are riding. Mothers to school aged children who are growing and changing so quickly. Mothers to teenagers who are becoming young adults and facing the life changes that weigh so heavily on them. Lastly, mothers to adult children who are starting a life of their own.
As a woman, I am surrounded by this word that weighs so heavily on my heart, dreaming about the kind of mother I wish to be some day, and everyday I am left wondering if these are dreams wasted. In the last two years of trying to conceive at child, my heart has broken numerous times, and continues to break over and over again. This journey can be extremely isolating, full of anger and desperation, and extremely expensive. Something that is achievable for so many women, may be something I may never experience. Society places this pressure on women, that we were created to be mothers. That our most important purpose in life is to create new life and mother them. It leaves me feeling like I am not woman enough, because this is something that isn’t coming naturally to me.
There were many times as a teenager and young woman, where I believed that marriage and being a mother were things that I would never experience. I had dreams that I would grow up to be forever single, happily living a fulfilled life working the career of my dreams, cuddling with my cats, reading the most amazing books, and traveling to all the places I wanted to experience. I believed that marriage and motherhood would hold me back from experiencing these dreams, and it wasn’t until I met my now husband that the thought of becoming a mother even entered my mind. It took being so in love with someone important to me and wanting so deeply to see that love to grow by starting a family for me to even think about it.
Toward the end of 2017, a year and a half into my relationship, I made the decision to go off of the birth control. As a teenager, I struggled with irregular periods but was never told what the cause might be. My doctor told me that it was extremely normal for an active teenager to go months without a period, so I thought nothing of it. It was at 16, that I began taking birth control. When we decided to try for a baby, I spent hours researching the effects of stopping the pill and how long it might take for my cycle to regulate and while I knew that things would change and take time, I had no idea what lay ahead for us.
We started trying to conceive immediately after our decision to stop using birth control, and had no idea how hard it could be. I naively thought that you just made the decision to have a baby, tried for a couple months and it happened. For 6 months, I was tracking my cycles and basal body temperature, using at home ovulation kits, following recommended fertility diets, and trying to remain active. During that time, I had only 2 periods and it didn’t take long for me to realize that something wasn’t right. Almost everything I was reading in books and online was that doctors will recommend you try naturally for 1 year before seeking medical help, but I was desperate. I made an appointment with my OB/GYN to see what my next steps should be. After numerous blood tests and ultrasounds, I discovered that I suffered from PCOS, and that may be the cause of our infertility. I had no idea what it was or how common it was in women. I was prescribed numerous medications and told to come back in three months if I still wasn’t pregnant. I was full of hope and excited, and truthfully, I believed that our problems would be immediately solved. I had no idea that the medications would leave me feeling weak, nauseous, and truthfully just a complete mess.
Three months into these medications, I made another appointment with my doctor. I went through rounds of blood tests and ultrasounds again to see how things were looking and was prescribed even stronger medications, that again left me feeling completely miserable.
It was at this time that we decided to have my husband checked out to see what was happening from his side of things. After going through a few different tests of his own, we learned that the biggest factor of our infertility was from him. That felt like a punch in the gut. All these months of hating myself and feeling guilty and responsible, and I now felt angry and frustrated that the problems weren’t on me. There is so much guilt in this process of trying to conceive and struggling through infertility.
My husband went through a period of time, shortly after receiving his results back, where he felt pretty depressed. He would cry at night because he felt so ashamed. He felt like he wasn’t man enough, and that broke my heart. I had spent all these months punishing and beating myself up, never considering how that would affect him to see; and here we were, roles reversed, and I was devastated more for him than myself. I love my husband more than anything and while disappointed with our situation, I don’t blame him or regret where we are because of our results. I feel like learning that we both have a part in our infertility journey made the whole situation more bearable. I no longer felt alone on my path, because this showed me that we are walking it together.
Now a couple years into this journey, and still longing for motherhood, I am faced with the thought that maybe this isn’t the journey I am meant to be on. We’ve chosen to take a break for a bit and focus on our relationships with ourselves and each other. I feel like we’ve been through so much, yet I know that there are couples who have been trying for far longer than we have and have struggled through even more than we have. I want to be a mother so deeply, yet I can feel my journey changing, and that’s okay. Today, I choose to accept that I need to mother myself. I need to care for and love myself right now, and that doesn’t make me less of a woman. I am grateful for the mothers who surround me, support me, and teach me beautiful lessons each and every day.
If you’ve taken the time to read this, I thank you. It was written from my heart, and these words mean so much to me. If any of this spoke to you or resonated with you, please know that my inbox is always open. This journey has been a hard one, and without the support of others, it would be nearly impossible.
Lauren
Thank you for sharing this. It is beautifully written. Your gratitude is powerful. I agree; motherhood is a word with much depth. I like how you mentioned being a mother to yourself by loving yourself. Your maturity is admirable and inspiring.